If you’re like me when you see that word spelled out the first thing that comes to your mind is Aretha Franklin. I can hear her belting out each letter in her strong voice – singing what has become an anthem for so many women over the years. In the song, the singer is asking not to be taken for granted, and to be shown respect for who they are.
Has someone ever made you feel as if you were taken for granted? Of course you have. We all have experienced it at one time or another. I don’t know anyone who enjoys being underappreciated, or even worse, unappreciated. When you work at being a certain way or doing something that others treat as inconsequential, it hurts. If they expect it and think lightly of the effort or sacrifice it involved on your part, it is disheartening. Frustrating. Aggravating.
Respect can be defined as “esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person”. When I read that definition I see it as a two-step process. There is the sense of the worth or excellence, which then grows to an esteem for that person. If you don’t pay attention to who the person is or what they do, you won’t learn to value them and have a sense or understanding of his or her worth. If you don’t value him, you won’t develop and esteem or respect for him.
When Aretha sings the song, she speaks of her man’s need to value her and respect who she is and what she does. Just because she is always there for him and reliable doesn’t mean she should be taken for granted. She wants her man to understand how valuable she is to him, and then show that in his words and actions.
Respect and Love Should Go Together
It’s important to realize that while love and respect should go hand in hand, they often don’t. I’ve dealt with many couples over the years who I didn’t doubt felt deeply about each other – yet they didn’t show much respect for each other. It was as if that crucial piece of the puzzle was missing from their “relationship kit”. It was like an air mattress without a valve stopper. You can keep pumping air in, but the air comes out the open valve. They were pumping love in their deflating relationship, but that feeling of love was constantly dissipating because there was no respect in the relationship to hold the love in. Pressure from the outside would come, one or both of the couple would get upset and blame the other, and the warmth between them shot out the other end. They had little true esteem or respect for each other – only their feelings of love.
When the house wasn’t picked up, it was the other person’s fault. When one didn’t get the desired attention, it was the other’s fault. Financial issues. Gotta be the other person’s problem. If the fella was working 60 hours a week to make ends meet, he wasn’t spending enough time home. If she wasn’t dressed in high heels and stunning when he came home, she was letting herself go and not meeting his needs. Any of this sound familiar?
Each needed to see things from the other’s perspective so that they could better understand things and look at them properly. The many hours the husband was putting in were to take care of his family. She needed to understand his reliability and responsible approach to caring for her and their family. He needed to understand that she takes care of the house and children all day, and that when he gets home she is often just as tired as he is. When he understands her day, he learns to value her dedication. They learn to respect what the other is putting in to their life together. As they learned to respect each other, they thought more about the other’s wants and needs. When the lovey feelings weren’t front and center, the esteem that had for each other smoothed over many things that would have been issues months earlier. Love and respect for each other held things together in a stability they had never known before.
Understanding How To Show Respect Individually
Do you remember the next line to Aretha’s song?
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
Yes – “Find out what it means to me”. How you think you are showing respect to someone may not always be interpreted that way by them. You have to find out what makes them feel respected. I learned this lesson early on in our marriage. I was (and still am) crazy about my wife. I did my best to make her feel loved and valued. I was really applying myself, and I thought I was doing well. Then one day my wife came to me nearly in tears because of something I had said. I thought I was showing her how much I loved her and was caring for her. She took it as if I didn’t trust her judgement and that I didn’t respect her ability to make sound decisions. She was hurt. I was crestfallen. We had a long talk and I began to understand R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me. I had to learn that my understanding of showing respect wasn’t universal, and that I had much to learn about showing it in a way that would make my wife feel valued, loved, and truly respected. I had to spend time learning what showed her respect, and then make the changes to show that respect as she needed.
It wasn’t my place to do things my way and then tell her how she should feel about it. You don’t get to treat someone a certain way and then tell them how they are to receive it. I don’t get to come home from work, kiss my wife, then disappear for the evening only to tell my wife that she should feel as if I swept her off her feet because I paused to kiss her. That’s narcissistic behavior. I wouldn’t want to be treated that way, and neither would you.
Respecting God
Which brings me back to respect. We need to show it to each other. We need to express it deeply to those we love. Most of all, we need to give God the respect that is due Him. We live in a narcissistic society, where there are varied levels of a sense of entitlement. We see it in the workplace, in our government, in our schools, and sadly in our churches. People often approach God and treat Him in a way they would never tolerate being treated.
“God should accept me and what I do because He loves me.”
We treat God’s love for us as our license to be what we want to be, do what we want to do. The only feeling God is allowed to have is a love that says nothing, does nothing, and accepts everything. Not one of us would want to be treated like that. It is the place of the taken for granted, the unappreciated. It is the place of total disrespect. It is where we act as we want and then tell the other person how they are to receive it.
Psalm 29:2 tells us:
Give unto the Lord the glory due to His name; Worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness.
There is a glory, an esteem, a respect due to God. He is holy. Just as in any other relationship, you must learn what R-E-S-P-E-C-T means to God. You must learn who He is to develop a sense of worth and excellence regarding Him. God is not your sugar daddy. Jesus isn’t your life coach. They do not exist to make you feel better about yourself. God is your Heavenly Father who loves you, who will discipline you, and who has a definite set of standards for you to live by. He has a plan for your life, and wants you to have a future and a hope. (Jer. 29:11) Jesus is your Savior – He died a gruesome death to make a way for you to be cleansed of your sins and have intimate fellowship with God. The Holy Spirit was sent to walk out each day with you – to lead you into all truth, instruct you in the ways of God, and to be your comforter. We esteem and worship God for who He is. We show Him respect by following His ways, not our own. Psalm 111:10 tells us:
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; A good understanding have all those who do His commandments.
The beginning of wisdom – godly wisdom – is the fear of the Lord. That “fear” is often translated “awe”, “reverence” or “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”. As you think on your relationships with friends or family, remember to cultivate respect. Most of all, make a commitment to honor God more than ever before and show Him the respect due Him. In doing so you will be worshiping Him, and putting yourself in a position to receive wisdom from on high
