Can you recall a conversation where it seemed like there was more to be said, but nothing more was? That silence could have been the result of not wanting to say words that could be hurtful. It could have been because of the awkwardness of the situation. It could have been because you knew there wasn’t time to take the conversation further. Many reasons exist why things go left unsaid.
There are several variations of the saying “Some things are better left unsaid.” At the heart of that saying is there are some words that can be spoken that lead to unwanted consequences. It is better to not say them and remove their possible effect.
I can think of things in the past that I wish I had been more thoughtful of before those words slipped over my lips and out into the air to be heard. I’m sure you can as well. There are times when there is no ill intent in our hearts or minds when we speak, but the choice of wording or timing cause the words spoken to be less than an encouragement to the people they are said to.
Winston Churchill had an astute observation of this when he said:
“We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.”
We can all desire to have more discretion in what we say and when we say it. It reminds me of hearing my father and mother instructing me from a young age – “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything”. Much of the 3rd chapter of the book of James is dedicated to this subject, and this saying was their practical way of teaching us what the Bible had to say about thinking before we speak. It’s something we all need to keep in mind every day. The tongue is a very powerful force. It can build up or tear down. It can soothe or wound. It can operate with little to no thought in a moment and generate feelings that last a lifetime.
There are indeed things in life better left unsaid. Yet on the other side of the equation there are things better left said. Words that we refrain from speaking can mean so much to others if we would only express them. Its so important that we learn to say things to others that will encourage them, strengthen them and let them know how much they mean to us.
Some Things Are Better To Have Been Spoken
Few things are sadder than losing someone precious and living with the regret that you didn’t have one last conversation to let them know what they meant to you. Many reading this will be able to relate to this situation. Often the delay wasn’t caused by great distance or difficult circumstances, it was merely not taking the time when the chance was there. A simple “I love you” was left unsaid. It wasn’t better to have been left unsaid. It would have been better to have been said.
More than forty years ago, I got up on a cold, wintry morning to go to school. I was slow in getting ready and missed getting out to the end of our driveway on time to catch the bus. I walked back up our driveway to the house and sheepishly announced to my mom that I had missed the bus. She wasn’t mad at me, but was disappointed. She chided me for not getting to where I needed to be on time, then sent me on my way to school as my brother-in-law drove me to get me there on time. In my hurrying I didn’t give her my customary hug and kiss goodbye.
Eight hours later as I boarded my bus for the ride home, I was asked by a teacher to get off the bus and come back inside. It was there that I was informed my mom had been killed in a car wreck a short time before. It was a hard day that turned into hard weeks and months, but God was so faithful to help me work through grief and regret. I regretted not having that last hug and kiss. I didn’t get to say “I love you” that one last time. Something so precious had been left unsaid.
Harriet Beecher Stowe described this eloquently when she said:
“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”
I wasn’t haunted by that last opportunity that was missed. I knew she loved me, and I knew that she had no doubt of my love for her. What it did was serve to make me aware of the opportunities we have everyday to say something meaningful to those we love. From there it grew into an awareness to try and be an encouragement to others throughout the day. The daily encouragement from my mom was no longer in my life, but the value of what it meant to me remained. Understanding its value made me want to give that to others.
Saying the Right Words
Telling those who are precious to you how you feel about them is so important to both you and them. It allows you to tap into your heart and express those feelings to them. Looking that person in the eyes and letting them know how you feel about them is more than just words. You are ascribing a value to them that speaks to the impact they have in your life. Even on a dark day in hard times, those words of worth and affirmation are priceless. Think about your own life, and when someone has spoken from their heart about what you mean to them. It lifts your spirits and carries you. You have that same ability to lift someone else.
I’ve made mistakes along the way, but I endeavor to follow this principle in my life. I don’t look every person I know in the eye and tell them I love them, but I do try to recognize opportunities to encourage people and let them know they are noticed and have value. We say “I love you” in my immediate family quite often, and it has become a way of life for not only my wife and I, but our children and their families as well. Knowing you are loved and hearing it are medicine to the heart and soul.
When we don’t leave these things unsaid, we make the air clearer between each other. We know the underlying status of those feelings between each of us, and when disagreements and trials come, we remember that love and evaluate things by it instead of spinning in an emotional confusion of how one person feels about another. When we extend this into our friendships we find the same effect in those relationships as well. It encourages openness and depth that makes relationships strong and healthy.
A few years ago, my stepmother of 30 years passed away. We had formed a special bond over the years, and God allowed me to make it home from 6000 miles away in time to be with her the day she moved to Heaven. She was unable to speak the few hours before her passing, but I was honored to spend a few minutes alone with her shortly before she left us. I was able to look into her eyes and one last time tell her how much she meant to me. Although she could no longer speak, she squeezed my hand and looked at me endearingly. I had told her those things before, but that one last time I got to share things with her that were better left said. Those minutes meant a great deal to both of us, and hours later she slipped into eternity.
Your Kind Words Can Make a Difference
The wisdom of King Solomon makes up much of the book of Proverbs, and he has many things to say about our words. One of the most profound is found in Proverbs 16:24:
Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. (NLT)
Kind words come from the heart. Pleasantries come from the head. Let your words be like honey to others, not artificial sweetener.
As you go into your day and the rest of your life, think about those people who you care about, and what they mean to you. Don’t leave things left unsaid that shouldn’t be. Then take that same approach with those you know and expand from there. Your kind words can bring sweetness into a bitter situation, and can bring health to a troubled heart, mind and body – for both the person you are speaking to, and to you.
